Not so helpless anymore

I know i have not posted anything in a few days. Its not that i don't have any more to say, I just don't know how to say it. Ive been home for almost two weeks now but i haven't arrived yet. People ask me how was my trip and I'm vague. They ask me how i am and i say fine. Well that's just not true, i haven't been fine since i crossed the threshold of The orphanage. I won't be home until the will of God is done. I know im not alone. My friends who were with me are in the same limbo as i.

I have figured out something though. I, who professes faith, have been unfaithful. During this whole thing i have said God's will be done but, i have also doubted the ability of those he has chosen to work out his will. As i sat and calculated how many ways we could not get these off the chart task done, he had already put things in place to make them happen. As I told others of the great works that he had done, i still doubted my abilities. The same abilities he gave me to do his will. So, all my self doubt has been me doubting my Gods ability. Ok...down boy, i know that kinda deep and I'm kinda short.

God put the exact people in the exact place at the exact time to do his will. This trip, of which I have been a member before, was design by him. The things I've learned about working in developing countries with less than ideal equipment, incorrect supplies and outside the box situations was by design. The team members and their vary diverse talents and experiences were by design. Some stayed back so others could go. I myself was not planning to go this year but the Lord changed my plans. Even people I met in airports, stores and other places were by design.

I have no idea of what his plan my be but, i know that the right people are being reached and they are bringing their piece of the puzzle with them. My part may be small, it may be big, i just thank God i have a part. Some say its a calling. I don't know if I believe that  much anymore. God and his son Jesus Christ have called all of us. In most everything I read being a Christian is a verb. We are told to go, show, tell, LOVE. So, the calling is always there and its to all of us. What we have is an answering. Answering the call that he has charged all of us with.

So if you see me looking unsure or doubtful, how about giving me a good taking to or a swift kick in the pants. You decide which it needs to be. God is working and things are happening. I'm ready to see this awesome thing happen. I hope you are to. No more HELPLESS!

Helpless-2

After we returned to the clinic there was no question where our time and efforts would be focused. As we brained stormed and made a rough plan with some very general contingencies, it was very clear we were very overwhelmed. With that said, no one was ready to back down. We knew this was huge and to big for us. We had no idea if anything we were going to do would work or if we had the right material, the right tools. It didn't matter, our minds were set. Early the next morning we set out. Aaron and Alan would tackle the pantry area, the boys would start on a boardwalk and keep the kids occupied and I would work with the hired labor and equipment operators on the plumbing and room clean up. The Lord blessed us with a natural "Jefe" (boss) in Melvin. He is a local who was looking for work. He was very knowledgable and responsible. Without him we would have had a long hard road. The materials we bought for other projects were just what we needed for the repairs. The things we were short would have required a two hour round trip to the next big town to pick up. Thankfully, the Lord blessed us with a new hardware store just on the edge of town that had most of what we needed. We had to use our imagination but that was ok, it worked. We were also blessed by a generous mayor who loaned us 3 toilets from his project. Every thing we touched was provided for and blessed by our God. He softened hearts, guided hands, inspired imaginations, and provided strength. He carried this load when we couldn't. Hot, tired, sore, overwhelmed, emotional and every thing else that we mere mortals are limited by are not even considerations to our Lord. Edgy is the word I would use to describe us as our work progressed. As the time ticked away and the work dragged on all we saw was the faces of those kids watching us work. Failure was not an option. The weight of that was unbelievable. This was the most urgent, important work with the most unforgiving deadline that I have ever done. The health and welfare of these children was squarely on our shoulders and we felt every once of it. I haven't come across many things that I wasn't confident that I could do, but this was one. Though we had no idea of the out-coming,  God did. He put together the right team with the right knowhow and the right motivation to get it done. I am still asking God why and what should I do. I am still more overwhelmed and unsure than I have ever been. I still don't have any idea of the out-come.

Helpless-1

Have you ever felt helpless? Totally helpless? If so, take that and add on the feeling of being overwhelmed with a little dash of disappointing those who are counting on you. Thats the feeling I had in Limon, Honduras last week. After rolling in with plans, materials and muscle like so many times before, I thought I was ready for what God had to show me. I wasn't. I have been leaving myself open to him, to see what he wanted me to see. To feel what he wanted me to feel. Until I rode into Limon I thought I was doing well. I wasn't. Everything I've been through up till now was to prepare me for this. I wasn't. When I walked into the orphanage with my friends in tow to look over some "minor" repairs we were met by the children. Sweet little Karolina, Manor, Bessie, Oscar, Katia and others. They hugged us and pulled on us, they were happy and wanting to play. I wanted to knock out this inspection so we could kick the ball around and love on these kids, but it would not be. As I made my way through the outside kitchen area and into the big room the smell of mold and mildew knocked me back. The inside kitchen and pantry was full of damp boxes and mold. The land lord was letting the roof fall in. I made my way to the old hotel area where the older girls stayed, the smell was so strong my friend Aaron had the other stay back so not to breath in the rancid air. The land lord had removed the roof and allowed rain to soak every thing. The kids were forced into the lower rooms in the orphanage. Once they were gone he started to renovate the building , but not for them. I made my was to the other rooms in the orphanage building. The boys room, 15 x 15, few windows, housing 12 boys and the mildewed remains of what the were trying to salvage from the hotel. The only toilet was broken and overflowing. The smell of urine and facial material was masked by the mold. Into the girls rooms, two 15 x 15 rooms adjoined that slept 33 kids a the cook. 1 baby boy, Christian, maybe 9 months old. The smaller kids were two to a bed. Mold was everywhere. The toilet was barely working. The outside toilet was broken as well. One of the girls was covered from head to toe with at least three kinds of rash, fungal, allergic hives, and something else. The week before we came 12 kids were taken to the doctor for respiratory issues. I asked where the older kids were, they told me that they had to send them back to their homes and villages because they had no room. I couldn't process that, they were at the orphanage for a reason and it wasn't a good one. Why oh Lord have you put this in my path. I can handle most things but this is to much. With every child I held, hugged and looked at I saw my own child. I wanted to grab them up and run as hard and as far as I could. My heart was breaking like never before. I didn't understand then and I still don't.

Safety violation we don't talk about

There are somethings we think about but don't talk about. Well here is one that needs to be addressed. It involves safety and I love you all to much to keep it in. If I saw a piano falling from the sky about to crush you, you would want me to speak up and so here it goes.

You are never more vulnerable than when you are asleep. When asleep you are at the mercy of who ever comes by. The third most vulnerable time is when you are eating. What is number two, you guessed it going to the bathroom. Yes that is right the second most vulnerable situation for anyone is when you are using the bathroom.

Well why must I bring this up? Your safety. Recently I was in a public bathroom and I noticed the seat was loose. This brought a flood of bad memories rushing in. It was a situation just like that one that put me in an unsafe and rather helpless position.

A few years ago I was in a public bathroom. My guard was down as well as my pants. Feeling safe an confident I shift my weight to make my self more comfortable and then it happened. The unsecured toilet seat shifted to one side and I was de throned. As I attempted to get up I realize I am now pinned between the toilet and the stall wall. What to do...call for help? Assess situation...fat guy with pants around his ankles trapped under toilet, calling for help is out. My cell!?....well it is on the other side of the toilet where it landed when I fell. Well Ill just wait till someone comes in ...ummmm it was late and the store was only minutes from closing, I could be here all night as it appears no one cleans in here anyway.

As I lay there going over my options I began to laugh as I am prone to do. This weakens me even more. I finally discovered that if I straighten out I could possible finish sliding under the stall wall and then to freedom. As I was doing my best impression of a fat rat squeezing under a door, the bathroom door opened, a man looked down then turned and left. I am now on my stomach, pants down, halfway under a bathroom stall, butt shining. Yeah...laughing and to tired to get up. As I freed myself I thought...Surly I'm not the first one!?

This could happen to you, please check the seat before you sit. Report all unsecured seats. Be careful out there. This experience would have killed a lesser man.

Luv Ya Mean It

Failure to thrive

Failure to thrive is a condition where a child, adult, animal etc. fails to develop at a normal rate. Causes can be genetic or environment. These developmental failures can be seen physically , emotionally and psychologically. The affected subject is often irritable, confused and fussy. Many times they are paranoid and tend to separate themselves from others. Many never make it to maturity.

Spiritual failure to thrive is ever worse. The condition works the same but on a spiritual level. Many of those affected can and will quote line and verse but usually never in context. They tend to not involve themselves in activities that they "don't agree with" but can never be found involved in the things they do agree with. They tend to be very vocal and want to empress these same ideals on those around them, that's where the genetic or environment infection comes in.

What is it that goes so wrong inside us that we fail to let our spirit thrive. What is the trigger point that will allow an otherwise awesome servant of God to grab on to a hand full of hate and anger and ride it out to the end? One big difference between physical and spiritual failure to thrive, you can be healed and made whole from the spiritual one. It just a matter of forgiveness, repentance and a complete surrender to God. To bad some of us won't make it.

Master or slave

You know I've done allot of different jobs. In some I was the boss, some I was in the middle and some I was just one of the worker bees. There are good things to be said of all these levels. In our lives here in our Earth Bound lay over, you want to go with the boss thing. It pays more and has perks. What if I could prove to you that is not all that? Would you be leave me? Would you change your out look? Would you change your life?

Growing upargent large, not so rich family, I never gave much thought to why we did things the way we did. If some one was sick we helped care for them. Financial troubles, everyone chipped in. Lost a home and possessions to fire or what ever, arrangements were made. No one had anything but every one had everything. One of Sophmores posted a line from every one's favorite president, Ronald Reagan , " We cant help everyone but everyone can help someone." I've been living on different versions of this my whole life. Watching my parents I never thought about it, it was just what you did. If you were to show up at my parents home you would be fed something. I don't know what but something. You would sit at the table and talk with my father while my little bun waring Pentecostal mother buzzed around taking care of your needs. She is a servant.

You know it says in Mark 42 Jesus called them together and said, “You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 43 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 44 and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. 45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.

”Wow, my lord and savior a servant. This all came about because James and John ask to sit at the right and left hand of Christ in heaven. So the most prized position in heaven is reserved for a servant or slave. This world is not where we belong. It is just a layover, a waiting room. So why do we, why do I continue to focus on the expectations of this world? We,I, should being working towards that prized seat next to Christ. Know do I think I, Paul Frazier will be sitting at the right or left hand of my lord. I don't have to. I just have to complete the work he has set for me, follow his example of love and kindness. Give him the glory and be his servant. Be a slave to his word. I have his promise that if I do as he has done and go and work as he has instructed, I will make to the table. After that, we will just let the seating work it self out.

Know your place !!!

I don't know my place. Do you know yours? I once knew my place, it was where ever the party was. Where ever rules are broken and lines are crossed, that was me. I had some strange sense of purpose there. My purpose was, wait for it, the example of lack of purpose. I know what your thinking," Paul must be where the party is right now", no I'm ok. When I was the shallow guy with no real purpose I didn't have to worry about disappointing folks or hurting their feelings or being a bad example. That was what was expected of me. Any small good thing I did seemed awesome because I mostly did bad. Like George Costanza, I was the bad boy friend, the bad employee, the bad friend, the bad citizen, the bad choice, the bad example, the bad son, he bad brother, the bad...fill in the blank. I knew my place, and as sick as it was, I found comfort in that. Now not so much, I have no idea where my place is now or where it will be tomorrow, but in that uncertainty I have found comfort. I don't have to know my place as long as I'm making a place for God in the place I'm in. What ever he sends my way, big or small, that's going to be my place. As for worrying about being the bad...fill in the blank, I guess the best way to get over that is to stay on the course he sets for me. If I do that then I can't be any of those things, no matter what other people may think. Wow I guess I know my place after all, in his service surrounded by his grace. Hey, how about making this your place to? There is plenty of room.